Twenty Sixteen

2016

Hello.

You can promise yourself so much change at the start of a year, but who’s going to make the change happen?

you, right?

So, why is it that even knowing we have 365 new days to begin to work towards a change, we give up in the first 65?

Maybe you promised that this year you won’t.

Maybe you promised change to last so you can look back at 2016 as the year you actually did something.

Commit and don’t look back.

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Something About You

Gravity.

Idk how to explain what it’s like when something just pulls you back to one person over and over. I don’t know how to put that feeling into words except that; there’s something about you.

Wow, it’s been forever since someone has made me feel butterflies.

I forget the feeling.

But, there’s something about you.

Mirrors Don’t Lie

Tell me what you see when you look in the mirror. No, seriously, leave it in the comments or email me or something. There’s no shame here.

I can’t understand my mind. It’s everywhere all the time. Food just can’t be on my mind. Binge, fast, binge, purge. What a fucked up routine. Nothing but comparing yourself, comparing that girl in the mirror. That’s what I do. The girl in my mirror is so ugly, I’m ashamed she lives there. Why is she there?

I hate her. I hate her for being who she is. I hate that that’s who everyone sees when I’m with my friends. The feeling of guys always choosing your friends and never looking at you. Always a second option. Never the first.

No one likes the girl in the mirror. Not me, and i’m sure you won’t either.

Hate.

I hate the girl in the mirror.

 

Failure

This girl somewhere in the world is lost. Isn’t it crazy how much this whole weight thing can take up your brain? Your thoughts, constantly roll back to the numbers on the scale and the skin on your stomach. I think it’s a natural reaction for my hands to be constantly tugging at t shirts, always pulling them because of this concept of being fat. I HATE IT. I hate it so much. 99% of my confidence has definitely gone down the drain. When I started this blog I thought I’d be able to make a change, you know? Not some huge difference but for the couple people that read this and email me, I thought I could be more inspirational. But i stumble upon every step I make, and I find myself falling head first into the ground each time. I feel like a fuck up [excuse my language]. But, it’s true. I came to terms with myself though. I had to be honest with the fact that it is so hard to find what seems like the perfect version of yourself. I know perfect doesn’t exist, but it was the only word I can use that explains it so perfectly. I’m a human, I make mistakes and I just hate admitting to them. I need to come to terms with myself and start to, I guess this is a step? I wanted to talk all about my accomplishments on this blog, I mean my weight loss accomplishments but that would be a lie. With accomplishments, there are also failures. Step up, admit to the failures, recognize them, accept them, and move on from them. That’s how you learn, am I right?

Do you, boo

XOXO

S

Sorry??

I haven’t posted in a while, I know. The reason is because I’ve been feeling like such a failure. I’ve had a couple people email me questions and as I was answering them I just felt like complete shit. Didn’t stick to my ana diet at ALL these past couple of weeks but now i’m back, along with summer. The suns out and you might as well call me cellulite Sally, it’s disgusting. I never used to be THIS disgusted in wearing shorts and I am SO ashamed of my body. I hate myself more and more each passing day. I know not to expect myself to shed lbs and lbs by the end of the month but hey, at least I can work on myself. That’s what this whole blog has begun to shape towards; finding myself. I think it’s the most difficult part of life, when you’re stuck between growing up and staying young, and if you were to grow up then who would you grow up to be? I still have a lot of questions about life myself. But, after having a few conversations with the probably 2 or 3 people that read these blog posts, i’ve promised myself not to give up. SkinnyMini17 is back on her mission to find her(skinny)self. Hopefully round 2 goes better because this is going to be a completely unplanned hell of a ride.

More posts, more frequently and no more “falling off the wagon” (;

XOXO

S

Midnight

I don’t know if I write for myself or for someone else. I don’t know, but I do it anyways. Fuck, eating disorders take up and consume so much of your mind. Everything I do it equals to me constantly thinking of how fat i am, how ugly i am. Regretting taking that one bite i took earlier in the day. I want to drown my fat self in the water I try to drink to fill myself up. I want to cry when I don’t see instant results. I’m a stress eater, an emotional eater. Binge, binge, binge. But i’m not here to trigger you into giving up. I just want you to know that I feel like this too. Am i the only one? Maybe so. Summer is coming and I’m disgusted by my body, my clothes, how my body LOOKS in those clothes. Don’t eat, let Ana win. That’s what they tell me. So, here I am, up at night telling you the same thing because the last thing I want is for you to feel the same way I do now. I don’t want you to feel this shitty about yourself. 3 months to earn my goal.

I believe in YOU.

XOXO

S